MID-POINT previously published humorous advice on SURVIVING YUCATAN from Lic. Rodrigo Rodríguez, a Merida attorney and native Yucatecan. In this column, he provides five poignant reflections related to death in Yucatan.//
My grandmother used to tell us that the first condition to die is to be alive. We all irremediably walk daily steps to such a destiny, and since we have chosen to risk our chances by living here on Mayan grounds, here are some thoughts of the most common causes of death in the Yucatan.
1.- HEART ATTACKS.
Whether you open the door of an almost-never-visited room and find a coralillo snake right next to your feet, or receive your electric bill after a very hot summer, or you hired one of those property managers who swear to God your home was empty while you were away, heart disease is the number-one cause of death among Yucatecans. Let’s face it, we live in a peaceful, quiet environment, we wake up to the sound of birds and ocean breezess. Our hearts here get too relaxed. Big surprises can be fatal. Try exercising regularly by going to scary movies every now and then or make an annual trip in a dangerous zone of Mexico City to keep your relaxed heart in shape.
2.- ALCOHOLISM.
Insisting on after-party skinny dipping right next to your ocean-front villa has proven fatal after a few highballs or too many margaritas. Every year a number of drunken swimmers literally drown in alcohol and in warm Gulf of Mexico waters. Yucatan is number one in acute intoxication by alcohol and number one in cases of hepatic cirrhosis. Here it seems there is nothing we can do; our unmerciful heat can only be quenched by a cold beer. Not to mention the incredible availability; on every corner in the Yucatan, even in the most isolated town, you can find a beer post. It is easier to buy beer than milk.
Of course drinking and driving is also a great way to die. Since most of our roads are built right next to the jungle or mangroves, if you are not killed by the crash, alligators or giant ceiba trees branches will do the rest. Alcoholism also brings deathly fights among people who are known in Spanish as “mala copa” (people who do crazy stuff while drunk). So if you all of a sudden decide to disclose your real sexual orientation, make sure you get rid of all knives since there is a high risk of losing yourself in a stabbing passion.
3.- BEING A PEDESTRIAN.
Don’t you dare to walk in the Yucatan. Nobody will let you cross alive to the other side. Yucatecans have paid a big price to have the right to kill every walking creature daring to cross their beautiful cars’ paths. Do not expect courtesy or common sense. There is a section of dreamers for a better world in our cemetery. If you ever dare to cross the street, be ready to die, even police officers know this and you will never see them walking. You have been warned.
4.- SINK HOLES, CAVES AND CENOTES.
One of Yucatecans’ favorite pastimes is swimming in cenotes. Ancient Mayans believed they were passageways to the underworld, and of course they are; many people have died by drowning or being smashed by heavy rocks falling from the ceiling. If you like to explore the Mayan jungle, remember that only 30% of the total amount of sink holes have been found, and you do not want to discover one by falling. As many other earthy formations, they are irregular and some can have features impossible to anticipate, without mentioning the nightmare to your family or friends to try to rescue your smashed remains from the bottom of a Mayan sacrifice pond. In case of visiting caves, breathing the air with heavy presence of bats can end up in a flu transmitted within their feces — impossible to cure — that will end your life after a couple of weeks of the lovely sightseeing.
5.- HAMMOCKS.
Every year many brave Yucatecans risk their life due to unfortunate accidents during sex acts on unsafely-hung hammocks; do not try until you are sure you have mastered such an ancient Science. Try to regularly change the ropes attached to the walls and make sure your hammock hangers are not very rotten. A lifetime for a hammock is not forever, and they are affected by humidity so they might break someday. So change them. And just hope that the contractor you hired made a good job in securing the ancient walls and roofs of your colonial since those are structures that tend to fall with heavy activity.
Yucatan adds certain elements to your already preexisting conditions. But, for your peace of mind, my grandmother died at 106 years and never lived one of those days out of Yucatan. Of course, she didn’t have air conditioning so no CFE surprises, she never drank, she never hiked in the jungle, never dared to cross the street except to go to mass every Sunday, she never visited a sinkhole and she was a master in hammock-hanging, where she conceived and gave birth to seven healthy Yucatecan children.
We will all die. If you live in Yucatan chances are you will die here. Make your will during September (when recording fees are reduced), and die peacefully as you lived in the Yucatan. Contact your trusted notary.
–Lic. Rodrigo Rodríguez
